Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Point of View

It just astonishes me how much a point of view can change your out look on things.

For instance, think of yourself as an old beat up truck that has been traded in at a car dealership.

The dealership plans on sending you to the scrap yard to be melt down because you don’t have a good enough blue book value.

You are worn out, beat up, dirty and haven’t had an oil change in years. Everything around you is all flashy, clean and new..never really been driven.

So, you focus on what you are not and get so down.

In walks a man whom is looking over all the flashy rides up for sale. However, he doesn’t seem to be interested in the ones the dealers show him so he just keeps looking.

He walks around in what seems forever and then sees the old beat up truck and stops at it.

He stand silent a while and then says that you are the one for him…talk about blowing your gasket.

So, the dealer tells him what a pile of junk you are. The states that you are worn out.
The man replies not really you just have down so real bumpy roads and you just need some new shocks, tires and brakes.
“Why this thing hasn’t been treated well and hasn’t had an oil change in years” replies the dealer.

The man not moving his eyes off you say “It may not have been treated very well and it may be all gunked up inside but, all that is needed is someone to take the time to tune it up and give it an oil change so it is not so thick inside”.

“It is all dinged up and dirty why waste your time” says the confused dealer.

The man in-turn replies “I will make it clean and in time I will have all those dings popped out”.

The dealer amazed at what the man wants says “Well, I will need to go and check on the price for it would be”

“I have already paid the price I just need the key”
, replied the man.

After a bit the dealer returns with some paper work and a key. “I don’t understand it but here you go J.C.” After a brief pause the dealer asks “Where will you take it”?

As the man starts the old truck and starts to drive off he replies “To my Fathers House”.

To me it is good to know that even if others say we are worthless and we may even believe it ourselves…That someone sees us as a classic that just needs to be cleaned up, tuned up and given an oil change so we don’t feel so thick inside.

Monday, October 16, 2006

The Last Grip

The Last Grip

I have been told that once you have a breakthrough and rebuke Satan that there are a series of attacks you go under because he doesn’t like to lose someone he had built huge strongholds on.

I was one of those individuals. For many years self-hatred was at my core and ruled much of my life
For it was such an intimate part of me. I guess the self-hatred had been shadowing me for about 19 years if not longer.

It is said you have to be completely broken before change could be made. I literally had to be face down in the dirt after a fall to get to the point where I could rebuke the hatred I had for myself.

For those that don’t know I am a Massively, Grotesquely Morbidly Obese person. Yes, the kind you have seen in the news periodically.
I am not being down on myself that was in a doctor’s file on me when I was about 150 lbs. smaller.

So, when I hit the ground it really does some damage to my person. I tended to lose my balance often and ended up needing to be walker bound (my chrome Cadillac).

Thankfully, I was finally at the point where I could leave the hatred behind. I had piled so much hatred and other junk on the inside that it spilled over into how I took care or lack of care for myself. After that, it had gotten as bad as it could and it spilt over into how the house looked.
Things really piled up, I even had multi colored carpet.
I also had my blinds shut, curtains closed and to top it all off, I also had clamped them shut. The sun light had not shined in my home for years.

How it all started is unimportant now, how to fix it all was the key. My spouse and I had talked and come up with a game plan to attack one room per weekend at a time to get things back to how they should be. I actually had started opening up the blinds and windows, I had to take the clips off first of course.

Man, I did not like it at first; you can’t see all of the dirt in the dark. However, it was time to get my house keeping in order physically and spiritually.

Much to my husband surprise and delight I was keeping the windows open I had started taking better care of things. My attitude and outlook had changed. Shoot I even started flirting with him again.

Here is where the last grip comes in: things were going great, progress was being made. I was feeling so at peace and then come the knock at the door. There stood a woman and she showed me her badge and I noticed the last few lines on the ID; case worker CPS.

I let her in and sat down, floored as she proceeded to tell what all had been said about the state of our house and the kids. Not to mention parenting skill or there lack of.

She let me know that she had been to the school and talked with the staff and to my kids and let me know there was no concern there by the staff.
She even let me know how polite and respectful they were. I have to admit if I would have been getting a drink I would have sprayed her with the beverage.
However, I did take some comfort in the fact they at least they picked up some of the things we have tried to teach them, even if they don’t do it at home.

The CPS worker went about looking and taking pictures of each room of the house. She sat back down and told me, that she could not find any evidence to back the charges against us. She did say the house was messy. I think she was just being kind and I’m sure those that helped that weekend would agree.

So, we had until the following Monday to get things in order. There was no concern for the children’s safety for they were left in our care. Luckily, they already had plans to spend the weekend with relatives.

My husband and I asked why it happened now when things were going so good and things were already in the works of be done and whom had we ticked off that would make such allegations against us. From the allegations made it was quite clear someone wanted them removed from our custody.

I think it hurt my husband the deepest and what happened could have very well drove me right back in the pit but it did not. I had decided and told him that this had to be an attack on me. We had heard stories about attacks that had happened to people whom had made a break through. I had decided that what was meant for bad, God would use for good. It was just a Joseph coat of many colors moment. Except for me it was a carpet of many colors. We did not know how things were going to work out but that they would. God just wanted me to speed up the process.

I was forced to face my sin and shame and ask for some help from family and friends. I had to let people in, in more than one way.

Well, needless to say with help everything got done and when Monday came the lady could find nothing and she also could not see why there were charges made against us. For the children and their clothes were not dirty, they were not starved and there was food in the house nor were there any marks showing that the kids had been beaten, that they did get medical attention and we did make enough to take care of them.

I can ask myself who was it and try to figure it out but, what good does it really do. The plan didn’t work and someone insecure needed someone to step on to feel big. The woman did make a slip up and then covered so I know the gender of the plaintiff I also hardly had anyone in my home so if I wanted to do a suspect search it would be a very short list.

Who knows why it was done maybe with good intent or maybe even ill intent, it really doesn’t matter.

All that matters is that I was lost but now I am found and even things happened for ill I just want to keep 70 times 7 in mind.