Monday, October 16, 2006

The Last Grip

The Last Grip

I have been told that once you have a breakthrough and rebuke Satan that there are a series of attacks you go under because he doesn’t like to lose someone he had built huge strongholds on.

I was one of those individuals. For many years self-hatred was at my core and ruled much of my life
For it was such an intimate part of me. I guess the self-hatred had been shadowing me for about 19 years if not longer.

It is said you have to be completely broken before change could be made. I literally had to be face down in the dirt after a fall to get to the point where I could rebuke the hatred I had for myself.

For those that don’t know I am a Massively, Grotesquely Morbidly Obese person. Yes, the kind you have seen in the news periodically.
I am not being down on myself that was in a doctor’s file on me when I was about 150 lbs. smaller.

So, when I hit the ground it really does some damage to my person. I tended to lose my balance often and ended up needing to be walker bound (my chrome Cadillac).

Thankfully, I was finally at the point where I could leave the hatred behind. I had piled so much hatred and other junk on the inside that it spilled over into how I took care or lack of care for myself. After that, it had gotten as bad as it could and it spilt over into how the house looked.
Things really piled up, I even had multi colored carpet.
I also had my blinds shut, curtains closed and to top it all off, I also had clamped them shut. The sun light had not shined in my home for years.

How it all started is unimportant now, how to fix it all was the key. My spouse and I had talked and come up with a game plan to attack one room per weekend at a time to get things back to how they should be. I actually had started opening up the blinds and windows, I had to take the clips off first of course.

Man, I did not like it at first; you can’t see all of the dirt in the dark. However, it was time to get my house keeping in order physically and spiritually.

Much to my husband surprise and delight I was keeping the windows open I had started taking better care of things. My attitude and outlook had changed. Shoot I even started flirting with him again.

Here is where the last grip comes in: things were going great, progress was being made. I was feeling so at peace and then come the knock at the door. There stood a woman and she showed me her badge and I noticed the last few lines on the ID; case worker CPS.

I let her in and sat down, floored as she proceeded to tell what all had been said about the state of our house and the kids. Not to mention parenting skill or there lack of.

She let me know that she had been to the school and talked with the staff and to my kids and let me know there was no concern there by the staff.
She even let me know how polite and respectful they were. I have to admit if I would have been getting a drink I would have sprayed her with the beverage.
However, I did take some comfort in the fact they at least they picked up some of the things we have tried to teach them, even if they don’t do it at home.

The CPS worker went about looking and taking pictures of each room of the house. She sat back down and told me, that she could not find any evidence to back the charges against us. She did say the house was messy. I think she was just being kind and I’m sure those that helped that weekend would agree.

So, we had until the following Monday to get things in order. There was no concern for the children’s safety for they were left in our care. Luckily, they already had plans to spend the weekend with relatives.

My husband and I asked why it happened now when things were going so good and things were already in the works of be done and whom had we ticked off that would make such allegations against us. From the allegations made it was quite clear someone wanted them removed from our custody.

I think it hurt my husband the deepest and what happened could have very well drove me right back in the pit but it did not. I had decided and told him that this had to be an attack on me. We had heard stories about attacks that had happened to people whom had made a break through. I had decided that what was meant for bad, God would use for good. It was just a Joseph coat of many colors moment. Except for me it was a carpet of many colors. We did not know how things were going to work out but that they would. God just wanted me to speed up the process.

I was forced to face my sin and shame and ask for some help from family and friends. I had to let people in, in more than one way.

Well, needless to say with help everything got done and when Monday came the lady could find nothing and she also could not see why there were charges made against us. For the children and their clothes were not dirty, they were not starved and there was food in the house nor were there any marks showing that the kids had been beaten, that they did get medical attention and we did make enough to take care of them.

I can ask myself who was it and try to figure it out but, what good does it really do. The plan didn’t work and someone insecure needed someone to step on to feel big. The woman did make a slip up and then covered so I know the gender of the plaintiff I also hardly had anyone in my home so if I wanted to do a suspect search it would be a very short list.

Who knows why it was done maybe with good intent or maybe even ill intent, it really doesn’t matter.

All that matters is that I was lost but now I am found and even things happened for ill I just want to keep 70 times 7 in mind.


Paulette said...

Let me say that sometimes the worst things we face turn out to be the greatest Blessings. All bad things that happen in our lives are not necessarily bad things, they are the very things that God can use for good.
I could see the whole time I read this that God's timing was perfect. You would never be where you are at today IF the worker had not knocked on the door. While it wasnt pleasant it was validation for you and Jeff, while you aren't perfect parents you are NOT awful either, you just got in a rut, and God helped you out of it.
I say use this as a blessing not a negative. You are right it doesn't matter who did what, it is about how you can overcome and stay on top!!
Keep going you are doing great. There are so many positives in what you have written here.
I am praying for you!!

healing hoves said...

ditto to everything paulette said

Emotional Rescue said...

God always has the answer. I am so sorry this had to happen, Samantha, and I agree with Paulette: focus on the positives that came out of this whole thing and just know that you and Jeff are good parents who love those children, who are little blessings, themselves! I am always here when you need me...I love you so much!