Monday, June 11, 2007

This picture was posted in 2007 but the rest was done 2/11/11

"Father, the Sleeper has Awakened!"

Wow, I can't believe this blog spot still around...please pardon the dig on "Dune" for the title.

It is something else, to see your words from 2006-2007.

I have really felt like I finally have awakened or had the scales removed from my eye lids.  I attended a conference that my church had called "New Beginnings" and our pastor declared this a year to hear. I have had many things happen to me and I have gotten several people I don't know come up and tell me God had a word for me and they would state a verse in the bible or a few words for me. What I was told happen to be what I really needed to hear as to what was going on in my life or what I struggled with. During the conference we were all given an envelope that was our prophetic message. We were not to open the envelope until told to. We were told that each envelope had a different scripture in it for which they believed each scripture went to the person that needed it. We held our envelopes up and in prayer for God to invade our hearts and lives and then we were told to open them. Ironically, enough I checked and they were indeed all different and those that shared happened to fit them perfectly for what they needed.

Mine happen to speak of healing...even though I live with MS I felt deep down the healing had to do with matters of my heart and how guarded I had become during my life never really ever totally letting go of old wounds.

My bio-mom had recently moved down after the death of her mother and my grandmother. I was raised by my grandmother so she was my mother as far as I was concerned. I had always felt like I wasn't good enough to keep...and various things from a very early age just amplified the "not worth keeping" from my bio-parents and my dating life.

So, I prepared to make sure NO ONE ever had a reason to smile because of my physical pain(yes, I was in an abusive relationship...took me 5 years to wise up) or my tears. I didn't want anyone to touch me I avoided hugs like the plague. I did things to cause physical pain to myself to build up my pain tolerance...still have the scars to prove it.

After many years of keeping a distance I took a chance and let someone in and was married.
I was told by Nanny(my grand mother) that marriage was work. I just never knew just how challenging it could be. When things got tough my spouse would bail and leave only happened twice by the time we hit year 5 of marriage. The last time was the kicker was the 2nd time when he told me he wanted to get a divorce.

       There has only been two events in my life  that cut me the deepest and that was an incident that my bio-mom caused me physical and mental pain and it made her smile and when my spouse left me for the 2nd time and asked for a divorce. Well, obviously I wasn't something worth keeping...I just could not understand when the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt someone and it seemed like some just could not help but to go out of their way to cause me pain.

Needless, to say for the ones that know me...I am still married now for almost 20 years to the same person and never ended up getting a divorce.

Before the conference anytime peeps would come up and hug me I would cringe inside and would repeat in my mind "they mean no harm, they mean no harm." I would try my best to act normal so that I would not hurt their feelings.

Anyhey, the second night of the conference I had a lady that was suppose to give a testimony but didn't because she had a urging from God told her to tell me a verse and she put her hand on me and prayed and during her prayer I heard this sound that almost sounded like mumbling. I later found out she was speaking in tongues...that was a first for me.  I always had heard of people that did that but never witnessed it . I was told it would be in a language you would not understand. I figured okay parley voe france (sp?) , ho la or something like that not the sounds I was hearing. The verse I was given was another one about healing.  By the next morning I awoke and my husband and I both had unusual dreams. His had to do with his foot and a problem he had and it needing to be taken care of and wrapped up. Mine had to do with someone going through our home and telling someone it was the strongest in the kitchen and my bedroom and was in the walls and wanted out.(then I had a picture of a pet shop mouse).

By that afternoon, I had gotten a call from my husband telling me he was having severe pain and had the chills and had a feeling it was cellulitis and would not let me take him to the doc because was afraid he would made to go to the hospital and that he wouldn't get to leave and he wanted to be there the last night of the conference.
While he was home resting up I was talking to my bio-mom and it hit me.
Ya know it really doesn't matter any more about how she didn't raise me...that time was being wasted. For the first time in many,many, many years I called her Mom when I said goodbye.

By the time the conference was over I was taking my husband to the ER to get his foot checked out and sure enough they kept him there.  While we waited to be seen I had come by a guy in a wheel chair and he looked pretty rough looking. I was walker bound and we said hello right at the time they called for my husband to get his vitals checked.

The guy started talking about he needed someone to talk to and felt alone. He even mentioned here he was talking to me like he knew me. At that I held out my hand and introduced myself and told him know he knows me. He told me his name and we spoke just a few seconds more and then I needed to get back to my spouse. I felt torn for a short bit because I felt like I was suppose to talk to him more for some reason but, I also needed to know what was going on with my person.

When I got into the room w/my husband I told him what had happened and how I felt that I had more I was to say to the man. He told me if I had that urge that I should have stayed and talked a bit more. I told him if he was still out there when I left that I would speak to him again.

Well, they admitted my spouse and I had kids I needed to get home to and it was already pretty late and as I was leaving I saw the man I met earlier in the waiting area still. For a second I wondered do I go and speak with him or get home to a child that was staying up messing around on the computer. He saw me and waved and I waived back and at that moment my answer was "GO" but I was facing the man and not the door so I ended up talking to the guy about kids, and it lead to beliefs and the experiences I had in my life and what I believed. I told him about the conference and showed him the envelope I was still carrying around and all the things I had drawn on my sermon notes before the conference and everything that  I was told during by several different people.

In the end I guess I witnessed for my very first time and for some reason I was very articulate and didn't stumble over my words. He was very interested in checking the church out. Dunno, why but I felt this overwhelming need to give him Jeff's and my name again and our phone number. By the time I got to my car I was just soo energised and I wanted to call the woman that spoke in tongues to me soo much. I refused to call her at that time of night but I wanted to tell someone so badly. I decided to tell my oldest whom would not go to sleep what happened and he was unexpectedly rather excited too. I told Jeff the next morning what had happened and that I gave our phone number and that I didn't know how we would make the gas money work out but I wanted us to take him to church w/us if he ever called. He was all for it thankfully and was excited for me.

I called the woman whom has now become my mentor and let her know what happened and she told me that I had already started. I was kind of puzzled and it was evident in my tone and she said your teaching. The night before she had told me that I was going to be a teacher and that I would be good at it. I asked how was I teaching, all I did was talk about the experiences I had in life.  She informed me again that was me teaching.

Since, that time my husband is back home and my life hasn't been the same because I say a prayer that God reveal himself to me in a new way. I have moments that fragments of songs, movie fragments I recall and comparisons. I know now that I am like a hangnail. I did my prayer on day and I was messing w/this hang nail I had a few days. I could not focus on what I needed to because of messing with it. I thought to myself "when are you going to get over there and get the tools and fix it so I wont be distracted and can do what I need to do."  Then, it occurred to me how many times God had asked me the same question. "When are you going let your rough edges be smoothed down so that you can do what you need to be doing?"

The latest moment had to happen at Wally World when I passed this young man whom was mentally challenged and I said hello and just treated him like I would anyone else. He held out his hand and we spoke a bit. At the end of the same isle I had a little 2-3 year old little girl come up and wrap her arms around me and gave me the biggest hug like she had knew me all her life. After I hugged her back and got to the next isle I had the thought of how those two people though at the stage of life were not mental giants. However, they knew more of love and compassion than the majority of the world. I thought of how we should all come to Jesus as children.

Something unexpected while I was looking for a name for a character on a game I play online. I was looking at baby name site and I looked at Celtic, Gaelic and a few others when I decided to look at Hebrew names. Well it turns out my name of Samantha is on that list and it said listener. I had learned that years ago but, there was another part to it. The whole description was Listener:Knows Gods Voice....I thought it was kind of trippy.

Through the events that have happened my mother and I have a dialogue about religion and she has asked me to pray for her .(It was something I did anyway..though she didn't know it)

When I had my two kids I was not suppose to be able to have, nor carry to term for my 2nd child. I told my husband (whom was very anti religion) I wanted to start going to church and learn the basic rights and wrongs..the church we first started going to was called "New Beginnings" and the conference that I awoke at was called "New Beginnings". How cool is that?

Believe it or not I start teaching w/a curriculum 3-5 year olds one day a month...the last Sunday of this month in fact.

So, it is an exciting time for me for I have the eyes to see and the ears to hear.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007



Ever been dumbfounded as to something would work out?
Many times I have stayed up late at night trying to work out how things could work out.

I know as a Christ follower I need to just turn things over to him.
This was easier said than done for me.
I have tried to but I end up taking my problem back due to being impatient.
I tend to play the part of an impatient cook…watching that pot waiting for it to boil.
I wait and watch a bit but then, I got to get in there and add some spice to my liking and put the lid on so it can boil faster.

I have gotten better at not trying to do things the way I think it should be done.
Don’t get me wrong I still worry some but I just don’t obsess about things like I use to.

For Example at the beginning of this month I was due to start the process for bariatric surgery. Unexpectantly, my husband’s insurance provider changed.
The doctor that I would have been using was not on the network. He could still do it but, I would have to pay a $900 deductible and the other 50% of the cost that the insurance would not cover. Which just happened to be about $4700?

The only way I was going to be able to have the surgery before was due to a pay flex account my husband had and the balance on it was just a little over half the amount of the 50% amount and that had to take care of scripts and doctor visits for a family of 4 for a year.

Naturally, was all bummed out because this doctor I wanted because of all the extra precautions he took before he would even operating.

After the first day of hearing the news I had accepted that he would not be the one and maybe it just wasn’t meant to happen. I got the names of 2 doctors off the insurance list and was going to see all I could find out about them and see if they still indeed had a contract with the current insurance company .

today, I got a call from the doctor of my choice telling me that all I needed to pay was the deductible and he would take the 50% the insurance would give him and I need not worry about the other half, he would write it off…that it was more important for me to have the surgery.

I could not believe it…was I hearing correctly. Did doctors actually put their patients first anymore?

One of the few times I have ever just dealt with the outcome and did not try to fix it…I just was going to see what the next stage would be and did not get beat down by it.

I guess that was a case of “God will make a way” experience in my life.

Monday, November 20, 2006


Where did the time go, how did it fly by so fast.
It dose not seem so long ago when I reflect back on my past.

Some say the glass is half empty, for some it is half full.
I just whish I could slow down the coarse of natures pull.

Like many as a youth I could not wait to grow up.
I would get my own place, a car; do what I want, when I wanted.
Filled to the brim would be life’s cup.

Unfortunately, for me, to life’s pains I held so tight.
Time seems to have flown by, not really enjoying life.
Oh, how resentments and anger do leave such a bite.

I can no longer have my body function as it once did.
I am older, slower and have aches and pains.
I wonder why I couldn’t have just enjoyed being a kid.

In the morning when I wake my parts no longer salute the sun.
As gravity does work and now the parts hang there in shame.

Life goes on weather you want it to or not.
I don’t want to waste the time I have left as I did in the past.

I try to look on the lighter side of things and enjoy all that can be seen.Now when I lie down at night I am no longer a depressed mess.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006


Ponder Point:

I use to love this time of year. I loved the weather the, feeling of warmth when around family and friends.
To give thanks for all that you had, not grumble about what you don’t have.

I think about the Ron Howard movie “The Grinch” I think about the scenes of all the whos down in whoville and their focus on all the commercialism.

You can’t even make it to Thanksgiving with out hearing or seeing the bombardment of holiday advertisements.
In fact, you just barely get done with Halloween when it all starts.

You’re told that to be happy and successful you need to have bigger, better and newer.
I recall not to long ago and jewelry commercial where this wife and husband we at some party and she notices every woman’s jewelry.
She focuses on how much bigger and better their things are and it is all because they went to a certain jewelry store.

She is all in a huff and crams her munchies down in his drink when he says hello dear.
That just irritates me to no end, about how ungrateful she was for what she did have.

We live in a society where we don’t give thanks for our food, clothing and shelter that we do have.
Out there in the world there are so many whom have much less, but we don’t care we just got to have the biggest, newest and best of whatever is out there.

What a pity.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Who Can Make a Rainbow

I had the privilege of being given a rainbow bracelet and this was inspired by that.

The bracelet was to remind me of how I was on a new journey and to remind me of the good in life.

Sure, I have had some crummy things happen to me and my family. However, how I wish to take the experience changed my mood greatly.

Instead, of focusing on why things happened and who had it in for me, I tried to think of the good that can come out of a bad situation.

Don’t get me wrong there are some experiences out there that seem almost impossible to conclude what is good out of them. It may not occur to you at first but, eventually.

I have learned out of the Beth Moore study of the book of Daniel that there 3 reason God puts you certain things.

It is to deliver you from it, so I can glorify him.

It may be to refine you through fire like a precious metal.

In certain situations it is to bring you through it and on home to his loving arms.

I had a real problem with God for why he lets bad things happen. Mainly, why he let my
Grandfather (whom raised me) be eat up with cancer.

It had eaten through part of his rib cage before it was noticed, because it went through him very rapidly.

So, the answer is; you can make a rainbow.
This for most of life is quite a task.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Point of View

It just astonishes me how much a point of view can change your out look on things.

For instance, think of yourself as an old beat up truck that has been traded in at a car dealership.

The dealership plans on sending you to the scrap yard to be melt down because you don’t have a good enough blue book value.

You are worn out, beat up, dirty and haven’t had an oil change in years. Everything around you is all flashy, clean and new..never really been driven.

So, you focus on what you are not and get so down.

In walks a man whom is looking over all the flashy rides up for sale. However, he doesn’t seem to be interested in the ones the dealers show him so he just keeps looking.

He walks around in what seems forever and then sees the old beat up truck and stops at it.

He stand silent a while and then says that you are the one for him…talk about blowing your gasket.

So, the dealer tells him what a pile of junk you are. The states that you are worn out.
The man replies not really you just have down so real bumpy roads and you just need some new shocks, tires and brakes.
“Why this thing hasn’t been treated well and hasn’t had an oil change in years” replies the dealer.

The man not moving his eyes off you say “It may not have been treated very well and it may be all gunked up inside but, all that is needed is someone to take the time to tune it up and give it an oil change so it is not so thick inside”.

“It is all dinged up and dirty why waste your time” says the confused dealer.

The man in-turn replies “I will make it clean and in time I will have all those dings popped out”.

The dealer amazed at what the man wants says “Well, I will need to go and check on the price for it would be”

“I have already paid the price I just need the key”
, replied the man.

After a bit the dealer returns with some paper work and a key. “I don’t understand it but here you go J.C.” After a brief pause the dealer asks “Where will you take it”?

As the man starts the old truck and starts to drive off he replies “To my Fathers House”.

To me it is good to know that even if others say we are worthless and we may even believe it ourselves…That someone sees us as a classic that just needs to be cleaned up, tuned up and given an oil change so we don’t feel so thick inside.

Monday, October 16, 2006

The Last Grip

The Last Grip

I have been told that once you have a breakthrough and rebuke Satan that there are a series of attacks you go under because he doesn’t like to lose someone he had built huge strongholds on.

I was one of those individuals. For many years self-hatred was at my core and ruled much of my life
For it was such an intimate part of me. I guess the self-hatred had been shadowing me for about 19 years if not longer.

It is said you have to be completely broken before change could be made. I literally had to be face down in the dirt after a fall to get to the point where I could rebuke the hatred I had for myself.

For those that don’t know I am a Massively, Grotesquely Morbidly Obese person. Yes, the kind you have seen in the news periodically.
I am not being down on myself that was in a doctor’s file on me when I was about 150 lbs. smaller.

So, when I hit the ground it really does some damage to my person. I tended to lose my balance often and ended up needing to be walker bound (my chrome Cadillac).

Thankfully, I was finally at the point where I could leave the hatred behind. I had piled so much hatred and other junk on the inside that it spilled over into how I took care or lack of care for myself. After that, it had gotten as bad as it could and it spilt over into how the house looked.
Things really piled up, I even had multi colored carpet.
I also had my blinds shut, curtains closed and to top it all off, I also had clamped them shut. The sun light had not shined in my home for years.

How it all started is unimportant now, how to fix it all was the key. My spouse and I had talked and come up with a game plan to attack one room per weekend at a time to get things back to how they should be. I actually had started opening up the blinds and windows, I had to take the clips off first of course.

Man, I did not like it at first; you can’t see all of the dirt in the dark. However, it was time to get my house keeping in order physically and spiritually.

Much to my husband surprise and delight I was keeping the windows open I had started taking better care of things. My attitude and outlook had changed. Shoot I even started flirting with him again.

Here is where the last grip comes in: things were going great, progress was being made. I was feeling so at peace and then come the knock at the door. There stood a woman and she showed me her badge and I noticed the last few lines on the ID; case worker CPS.

I let her in and sat down, floored as she proceeded to tell what all had been said about the state of our house and the kids. Not to mention parenting skill or there lack of.

She let me know that she had been to the school and talked with the staff and to my kids and let me know there was no concern there by the staff.
She even let me know how polite and respectful they were. I have to admit if I would have been getting a drink I would have sprayed her with the beverage.
However, I did take some comfort in the fact they at least they picked up some of the things we have tried to teach them, even if they don’t do it at home.

The CPS worker went about looking and taking pictures of each room of the house. She sat back down and told me, that she could not find any evidence to back the charges against us. She did say the house was messy. I think she was just being kind and I’m sure those that helped that weekend would agree.

So, we had until the following Monday to get things in order. There was no concern for the children’s safety for they were left in our care. Luckily, they already had plans to spend the weekend with relatives.

My husband and I asked why it happened now when things were going so good and things were already in the works of be done and whom had we ticked off that would make such allegations against us. From the allegations made it was quite clear someone wanted them removed from our custody.

I think it hurt my husband the deepest and what happened could have very well drove me right back in the pit but it did not. I had decided and told him that this had to be an attack on me. We had heard stories about attacks that had happened to people whom had made a break through. I had decided that what was meant for bad, God would use for good. It was just a Joseph coat of many colors moment. Except for me it was a carpet of many colors. We did not know how things were going to work out but that they would. God just wanted me to speed up the process.

I was forced to face my sin and shame and ask for some help from family and friends. I had to let people in, in more than one way.

Well, needless to say with help everything got done and when Monday came the lady could find nothing and she also could not see why there were charges made against us. For the children and their clothes were not dirty, they were not starved and there was food in the house nor were there any marks showing that the kids had been beaten, that they did get medical attention and we did make enough to take care of them.

I can ask myself who was it and try to figure it out but, what good does it really do. The plan didn’t work and someone insecure needed someone to step on to feel big. The woman did make a slip up and then covered so I know the gender of the plaintiff I also hardly had anyone in my home so if I wanted to do a suspect search it would be a very short list.

Who knows why it was done maybe with good intent or maybe even ill intent, it really doesn’t matter.

All that matters is that I was lost but now I am found and even things happened for ill I just want to keep 70 times 7 in mind.