Midlife

Where did the time go, how did it fly by so fast.
It dose not seem so long ago when I reflect back on my past.

Some say the glass is half empty, for some it is half full.
I just whish I could slow down the coarse of natures pull.

Like many as a youth I could not wait to grow up.
I would get my own place, a car; do what I want, when I wanted.
Filled to the brim would be life’s cup.

Unfortunately, for me, to life’s pains I held so tight.
Time seems to have flown by, not really enjoying life.
Oh, how resentments and anger do leave such a bite.

I can no longer have my body function as it once did.
I am older, slower and have aches and pains.
I wonder why I couldn’t have just enjoyed being a kid.

In the morning when I wake my parts no longer salute the sun.
As gravity does work and now the parts hang there in shame.

Life goes on weather you want it to or not.
I don’t want to waste the time I have left as I did in the past.

I try to look on the lighter side of things and enjoy all that can be seen.Now when I lie down at night I am no longer a depressed mess.

HoliDAZE

Ponder Point:

I use to love this time of year. I loved the weather the, feeling of warmth when around family and friends.
To give thanks for all that you had, not grumble about what you don’t have.

I think about the Ron Howard movie “The Grinch” I think about the scenes of all the whos down in whoville and their focus on all the commercialism.


You can’t even make it to Thanksgiving with out hearing or seeing the bombardment of holiday advertisements.
In fact, you just barely get done with Halloween when it all starts.

You’re told that to be happy and successful you need to have bigger, better and newer.
I recall not to long ago and jewelry commercial where this wife and husband we at some party and she notices every woman’s jewelry.
She focuses on how much bigger and better their things are and it is all because they went to a certain jewelry store.

She is all in a huff and crams her munchies down in his drink when he says hello dear.
That just irritates me to no end, about how ungrateful she was for what she did have.

We live in a society where we don’t give thanks for our food, clothing and shelter that we do have.
Out there in the world there are so many whom have much less, but we don’t care we just got to have the biggest, newest and best of whatever is out there.

What a pity.

Who Can Make a Rainbow

I had the privilege of being given a rainbow bracelet and this was inspired by that.

The bracelet was to remind me of how I was on a new journey and to remind me of the good in life.

Sure, I have had some crummy things happen to me and my family. However, how I wish to take the experience changed my mood greatly.

Instead, of focusing on why things happened and who had it in for me, I tried to think of the good that can come out of a bad situation.

Don’t get me wrong there are some experiences out there that seem almost impossible to conclude what is good out of them. It may not occur to you at first but, eventually.

I have learned out of the Beth Moore study of the book of Daniel that there 3 reason God puts you certain things.

It is to deliver you from it, so I can glorify him.

It may be to refine you through fire like a precious metal.

In certain situations it is to bring you through it and on home to his loving arms.


I had a real problem with God for why he lets bad things happen. Mainly, why he let my
Grandfather (whom raised me) be eat up with cancer.

It had eaten through part of his rib cage before it was noticed, because it went through him very rapidly.

So, the answer is; you can make a rainbow.
This for most of life is quite a task.

Point of View

It just astonishes me how much a point of view can change your out look on things.

For instance, think of yourself as an old beat up truck that has been traded in at a car dealership.

The dealership plans on sending you to the scrap yard to be melt down because you don’t have a good enough blue book value.

You are worn out, beat up, dirty and haven’t had an oil change in years. Everything around you is all flashy, clean and new..never really been driven.

So, you focus on what you are not and get so down.

In walks a man whom is looking over all the flashy rides up for sale. However, he doesn’t seem to be interested in the ones the dealers show him so he just keeps looking.

He walks around in what seems forever and then sees the old beat up truck and stops at it.

He stand silent a while and then says that you are the one for him…talk about blowing your gasket.

So, the dealer tells him what a pile of junk you are. The states that you are worn out.
The man replies not really you just have down so real bumpy roads and you just need some new shocks, tires and brakes.
“Why this thing hasn’t been treated well and hasn’t had an oil change in years” replies the dealer.

The man not moving his eyes off you say “It may not have been treated very well and it may be all gunked up inside but, all that is needed is someone to take the time to tune it up and give it an oil change so it is not so thick inside”.

“It is all dinged up and dirty why waste your time” says the confused dealer.

The man in-turn replies “I will make it clean and in time I will have all those dings popped out”.

The dealer amazed at what the man wants says “Well, I will need to go and check on the price for it would be”

“I have already paid the price I just need the key”
, replied the man.

After a bit the dealer returns with some paper work and a key. “I don’t understand it but here you go J.C.” After a brief pause the dealer asks “Where will you take it”?

As the man starts the old truck and starts to drive off he replies “To my Fathers House”.




To me it is good to know that even if others say we are worthless and we may even believe it ourselves…That someone sees us as a classic that just needs to be cleaned up, tuned up and given an oil change so we don’t feel so thick inside.

The Last Grip

The Last Grip

I have been told that once you have a breakthrough and rebuke Satan that there are a series of attacks you go under because he doesn’t like to lose someone he had built huge strongholds on.

I was one of those individuals. For many years self-hatred was at my core and ruled much of my life
For it was such an intimate part of me. I guess the self-hatred had been shadowing me for about 19 years if not longer.

It is said you have to be completely broken before change could be made. I literally had to be face down in the dirt after a fall to get to the point where I could rebuke the hatred I had for myself.

For those that don’t know I am a Massively, Grotesquely Morbidly Obese person. Yes, the kind you have seen in the news periodically.
I am not being down on myself that was in a doctor’s file on me when I was about 150 lbs. smaller.

So, when I hit the ground it really does some damage to my person. I tended to lose my balance often and ended up needing to be walker bound (my chrome Cadillac).

Thankfully, I was finally at the point where I could leave the hatred behind. I had piled so much hatred and other junk on the inside that it spilled over into how I took care or lack of care for myself. After that, it had gotten as bad as it could and it spilt over into how the house looked.
Things really piled up, I even had multi colored carpet.
I also had my blinds shut, curtains closed and to top it all off, I also had clamped them shut. The sun light had not shined in my home for years.

How it all started is unimportant now, how to fix it all was the key. My spouse and I had talked and come up with a game plan to attack one room per weekend at a time to get things back to how they should be. I actually had started opening up the blinds and windows, I had to take the clips off first of course.

Man, I did not like it at first; you can’t see all of the dirt in the dark. However, it was time to get my house keeping in order physically and spiritually.

Much to my husband surprise and delight I was keeping the windows open I had started taking better care of things. My attitude and outlook had changed. Shoot I even started flirting with him again.

Here is where the last grip comes in: things were going great, progress was being made. I was feeling so at peace and then come the knock at the door. There stood a woman and she showed me her badge and I noticed the last few lines on the ID; case worker CPS.

I let her in and sat down, floored as she proceeded to tell what all had been said about the state of our house and the kids. Not to mention parenting skill or there lack of.

She let me know that she had been to the school and talked with the staff and to my kids and let me know there was no concern there by the staff.
She even let me know how polite and respectful they were. I have to admit if I would have been getting a drink I would have sprayed her with the beverage.
However, I did take some comfort in the fact they at least they picked up some of the things we have tried to teach them, even if they don’t do it at home.

The CPS worker went about looking and taking pictures of each room of the house. She sat back down and told me, that she could not find any evidence to back the charges against us. She did say the house was messy. I think she was just being kind and I’m sure those that helped that weekend would agree.

So, we had until the following Monday to get things in order. There was no concern for the children’s safety for they were left in our care. Luckily, they already had plans to spend the weekend with relatives.

My husband and I asked why it happened now when things were going so good and things were already in the works of be done and whom had we ticked off that would make such allegations against us. From the allegations made it was quite clear someone wanted them removed from our custody.

I think it hurt my husband the deepest and what happened could have very well drove me right back in the pit but it did not. I had decided and told him that this had to be an attack on me. We had heard stories about attacks that had happened to people whom had made a break through. I had decided that what was meant for bad, God would use for good. It was just a Joseph coat of many colors moment. Except for me it was a carpet of many colors. We did not know how things were going to work out but that they would. God just wanted me to speed up the process.

I was forced to face my sin and shame and ask for some help from family and friends. I had to let people in, in more than one way.

Well, needless to say with help everything got done and when Monday came the lady could find nothing and she also could not see why there were charges made against us. For the children and their clothes were not dirty, they were not starved and there was food in the house nor were there any marks showing that the kids had been beaten, that they did get medical attention and we did make enough to take care of them.

I can ask myself who was it and try to figure it out but, what good does it really do. The plan didn’t work and someone insecure needed someone to step on to feel big. The woman did make a slip up and then covered so I know the gender of the plaintiff I also hardly had anyone in my home so if I wanted to do a suspect search it would be a very short list.

Who knows why it was done maybe with good intent or maybe even ill intent, it really doesn’t matter.

All that matters is that I was lost but now I am found and even things happened for ill I just want to keep 70 times 7 in mind.

It's Just a Kitten

Satan comes in many forms you see.
He could be a demon in the corner doing one armed
Push-ups, perhaps even a splinter in your soul. He is a mother cat and her kittens for me. And your utter destruction is his ultimate goal.

You may ask why and cat with kittens and it is a very large litter.
There so cute, so cuddly...But they are quite dangerous...No joke.
You may ask how harmful can they be?
You say with sarcasm ooo ooh how scary...Stop you’re giving me the jitters.
What were you expecting...Something with fire, brimstone and smoke.

I had already played with the kittens: bitterness and the brothers alcohol abuse and meth addiction. I didn't like them too much, so I put them down.

Satan the old sly cat had finally decided which of his lovely kittens was just the right match for me.
Up came this white kitten with the brightest blue eyes. It mewed at me and rubbed against my leg.
Oh, it is so harmless, so cute, so wonderful, so playful...So wonderful for me.
I picked it up and couldn't put it down; I petted it and held it so close...For I believed all its lies.

Satan was pleased now for at last he had me pegged.
Self-hatred was the little precious thing he had sent to me.
That kitten I have carried around for many years.
The kitten was a very intricate part of me.

It's just a kitten and it's harmless, can't you see.
After a bit it changed to something horrible, monstrous and evil.

It hurt me and lied to me it got much enjoyment form my tears.
It is latched on to my neck now and it dug its claws in deep..It tells me I am here now and forever will I be.

Friends gather around me, to help free me, it was such an arduous task and for the kitten was caused much upheaval.
The kitten she fought it so deeply.
She didn't want to leave.
I'm with you always ...You'll never be able to move about freely.

My friends or rather my family continues to stay close.
I was nauseous and dazed the more nauseous I got the thoughts of self-hatred started to blur.

I started to feel a little stronger, then and I realized more friends rather family indeed had came.
You might have met them, but just in case let me call them by name.
Meet my Father, meet his Son and this guy well, he's the Holy Spirit.

Friday, September 22, 2006, where I finally drew my line in the sand.

Warmth from the Son

Ponder Point:

Have you ever been somewhere you were freezing and then you got the chance to get outside in the sun?
It feels so good doesn't it?
You almost feel like a lizard sunning itself on a rock.
It feels so warm and you relax and it seems so peaceful.


I see many that have what I call the "God on the Go Glow", they look so radiant and at peace.
I can just imagine that Jesus has his arms around them and like the lizard they feel the warmth.
However, their warmth comes from another Son.


I do so hope that is what it is kind of like...I am not there yet but, I might get there .
Though, I do travel at a snails pace.

FYI

I just wanted to let you know that "Self Imprisonment","One Soul" and "Cats" where written when I was in my early to late twenties.

I have been told that "Cats" is rather crude . This is the only non-dark thing I have ever written and it was done as a challenge to see what I could do right off the fly.

There are also pics with everything but, I am having problems getting some to load.

Cats

Cats

Cats be nimble, cats be quick.
Why in front of company there you must lick?

A rush to get ready to start my day.
The clothes to which I’ll be wearing, on them why must you lay?

A shower to unwind at the end of a day.
No!, There is Nair on my legs, stay away!

I endeavor to find you the balanced feast.
You take a sniff, turn up your nose and walk away—which is quite rude
Maybe they should just make bung flavored cat food.

A tiny hunter, so stealthfuly you can be.
Get off my curtains!! They are not a tree.

Chase the bug, chase the bug as fast as you can.
You work more effectively than for what I had to pay the exterminator man.

Now it’s late and time for bed.
I work tomorrow quit running and jumping across my head.

All in all my little companions I could never replace.
I just wish when I’m petting them they wouldn’t turn around and stick their stuff in my face.

One Soul

One Soul

If two lonely souls should happen to meet.
Will they feel as if whole or two segments incomplete?

Remembering when love was new and nourished from an eternal spring.
When fates were sealed, then a voice “with this ring”….

Time flys, things change

One soul demands and one soul gives.
One soul neglects, and one soul yearns.
One soul fights to cause pain, one soul withers and wonders.
“Is this all that there is, is this the life I’m meant to live?”

Time flys, someone cries and love dies

One soul goes on and starts the cycle a new.
While one souls wounds nearly tore them in two.
One soul flaunts
While one soul is barren and knows not what it wants.
One soul took another souls faith,
leaving the arduous memories to haunt them as if a wraith.

One soul tried, and one soul lied.
One soul gained, while one soul can’t give up the pain.

As love was taken from the eternal spring.

Love is all consuming and twin souls someday soon shall meet,
if one could believe in such a thing.

If two souls should happen to meet…..

Woot

Went to the doctor yesterday and even though I am walker bound these days.

I did get the good news that my sugar levels are so good I get to drop one of my meds for it...yippee.

I also got some MK orders and I have the stuff in my inventory...woo...woo..chuga..chuga

Self Imprisonment

Self Imprisonment

Build my shelter shall I….
No more wanting to die

The pain of an unhappy past, present and future.
To feel love, tenderness and faith in ones’ self.
Must I always be the emotional moocher.

If I show no pain, grief, or longing;
then I show no weakness, - no tears for them to see.
No food for the vultures shall be given from me!

Emotions are but the feast for all vultures to feed upon.

I don’t want to feel any more;
no more to emotion a whore.

To sleep, to sleep but, death is the big sleep.
Is that true freedom? I know not…..

Insane am I? I know not myself.
To really feel alive inside again.
I wish I knew such wealth.

The mirror people I pass each day.
The norms of society I do not fit; for I was not made their way.

Nothing special am I, nothing valued to greatness.

With the shelter I built and the masks I wear within.
I can hide my true feelings behind my masks;
giving those around me what they want me to be.
To an art form I have made this; deceiving strangers, friends and kin.

The eyes tell the truth, but no one wants the truth.
They want me to be what they need me to be,
and no one has the time to really care.

This farce is my defense and my prison created by me.
Sometimes I wonder what will it take for me to ever truly be free.

Catatonic

I stumbled onto a folder that has something I wrote in my very early twenties. I was going to post it here but now that I took the time to do it I can't seem to find it anywhere. It was called self-imprisonment. I couldn't believe that part of the way I feel now started that early in life. So, I guess it is time for me to try writing again and update it, so here goes nothing.




Catatonic
(Characterized by a marked lack of movement, activity, or expression)


Silence, silence, alone in the dark,
Pain, aggression, hopelessness have left quite a mark.
Self preservation, protection, impenetrable armor was the point of this quest I did embark.
No more, pleasure and smiles to others will my visible tears bring.
I'll stop them...Can't get me...I'll beat them...No torment to me will give them reason to sing.
Ashes, ashes...Walls of love and trust I will burn down.
No longer your puppet...Your toy...Your foolish little clown.
My brambles, they encircle me, they protect me.
I want no sights, no sounds...Don't want to get to know you...Don't want you to see me, just leave me be.
But, the memories, they still hurt...They haunt me..Can't stop them...Am I loosing my grip?
Repetition, I pause them...Rewind them...Replay them..It's a worn memory chip.
Wait, there's a sound now, I think it's a child crying.
I see her. Her hair; it's tangled, she’s dirty, she's bruised up, her clothes they are ripped up.
I try to touch her and hold her. So cold now..Getting limp now..I think she is dying.
A tear drop falls..She disappeared, where she go, I'm all alone now.
The brambles they encircle me...Their so high now...I hear something. Is that laughing? Through the gaps there's some light there.
Can't quite see through..I want to see them..What's that going on now?
I will climb up, want to see out.. But, the thorns how they cut me...Want to get out..But,how?

Preponderance

Ever wonder what it takes to make you change the way you live or think of yourself?

Sometimes, it seems like you have to have a near death experience to make a change.

You go to support groups and see other peeps making changes in their lives...They truly get it. You might of even "got it" for a brief time but, you lost it.
Where did it go and why...And you think to yourself "What I do Wrong". Then you discover it is your inability to forgive yourself that holds you back. If you can't forgive yourself then how in the world does God forgive you.

You know in your head what you need to do, but you do nothing which leaves me back to my original question what does it take.

Why would someone not want to give themselves a fighting chance?