Saturday, September 23, 2006

It's Just a Kitten

Satan comes in many forms you see.
He could be a demon in the corner doing one armed
Push-ups, perhaps even a splinter in your soul. He is a mother cat and her kittens for me. And your utter destruction is his ultimate goal.

You may ask why and cat with kittens and it is a very large litter.
There so cute, so cuddly...But they are quite dangerous...No joke.
You may ask how harmful can they be?
You say with sarcasm ooo ooh how scary...Stop you’re giving me the jitters.
What were you expecting...Something with fire, brimstone and smoke.

I had already played with the kittens: bitterness and the brothers alcohol abuse and meth addiction. I didn't like them too much, so I put them down.

Satan the old sly cat had finally decided which of his lovely kittens was just the right match for me.
Up came this white kitten with the brightest blue eyes. It mewed at me and rubbed against my leg.
Oh, it is so harmless, so cute, so wonderful, so playful...So wonderful for me.
I picked it up and couldn't put it down; I petted it and held it so close...For I believed all its lies.

Satan was pleased now for at last he had me pegged.
Self-hatred was the little precious thing he had sent to me.
That kitten I have carried around for many years.
The kitten was a very intricate part of me.

It's just a kitten and it's harmless, can't you see.
After a bit it changed to something horrible, monstrous and evil.

It hurt me and lied to me it got much enjoyment form my tears.
It is latched on to my neck now and it dug its claws in deep..It tells me I am here now and forever will I be.

Friends gather around me, to help free me, it was such an arduous task and for the kitten was caused much upheaval.
The kitten she fought it so deeply.
She didn't want to leave.
I'm with you always ...You'll never be able to move about freely.

My friends or rather my family continues to stay close.
I was nauseous and dazed the more nauseous I got the thoughts of self-hatred started to blur.

I started to feel a little stronger, then and I realized more friends rather family indeed had came.
You might have met them, but just in case let me call them by name.
Meet my Father, meet his Son and this guy well, he's the Holy Spirit.

Friday, September 22, 2006, where I finally drew my line in the sand.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Warmth from the Son

Ponder Point:

Have you ever been somewhere you were freezing and then you got the chance to get outside in the sun?
It feels so good doesn't it?
You almost feel like a lizard sunning itself on a rock.
It feels so warm and you relax and it seems so peaceful.

I see many that have what I call the "God on the Go Glow", they look so radiant and at peace.
I can just imagine that Jesus has his arms around them and like the lizard they feel the warmth.
However, their warmth comes from another Son.

I do so hope that is what it is kind of like...I am not there yet but, I might get there .
Though, I do travel at a snails pace.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


I just wanted to let you know that "Self Imprisonment","One Soul" and "Cats" where written when I was in my early to late twenties.

I have been told that "Cats" is rather crude . This is the only non-dark thing I have ever written and it was done as a challenge to see what I could do right off the fly.

There are also pics with everything but, I am having problems getting some to load.



Cats be nimble, cats be quick.
Why in front of company there you must lick?

A rush to get ready to start my day.
The clothes to which I’ll be wearing, on them why must you lay?

A shower to unwind at the end of a day.
No!, There is Nair on my legs, stay away!

I endeavor to find you the balanced feast.
You take a sniff, turn up your nose and walk away—which is quite rude
Maybe they should just make bung flavored cat food.

A tiny hunter, so stealthfuly you can be.
Get off my curtains!! They are not a tree.

Chase the bug, chase the bug as fast as you can.
You work more effectively than for what I had to pay the exterminator man.

Now it’s late and time for bed.
I work tomorrow quit running and jumping across my head.

All in all my little companions I could never replace.
I just wish when I’m petting them they wouldn’t turn around and stick their stuff in my face.

One Soul

One Soul

If two lonely souls should happen to meet.
Will they feel as if whole or two segments incomplete?

Remembering when love was new and nourished from an eternal spring.
When fates were sealed, then a voice “with this ring”….

Time flys, things change

One soul demands and one soul gives.
One soul neglects, and one soul yearns.
One soul fights to cause pain, one soul withers and wonders.
“Is this all that there is, is this the life I’m meant to live?”

Time flys, someone cries and love dies

One soul goes on and starts the cycle a new.
While one souls wounds nearly tore them in two.
One soul flaunts
While one soul is barren and knows not what it wants.
One soul took another souls faith,
leaving the arduous memories to haunt them as if a wraith.

One soul tried, and one soul lied.
One soul gained, while one soul can’t give up the pain.

As love was taken from the eternal spring.

Love is all consuming and twin souls someday soon shall meet,
if one could believe in such a thing.

If two souls should happen to meet…..


Went to the doctor yesterday and even though I am walker bound these days.

I did get the good news that my sugar levels are so good I get to drop one of my meds for it...yippee.

I also got some MK orders and I have the stuff in my inventory...woo...woo..chuga..chuga

Monday, September 18, 2006

Self Imprisonment

Self Imprisonment

Build my shelter shall I….
No more wanting to die

The pain of an unhappy past, present and future.
To feel love, tenderness and faith in ones’ self.
Must I always be the emotional moocher.

If I show no pain, grief, or longing;
then I show no weakness, - no tears for them to see.
No food for the vultures shall be given from me!

Emotions are but the feast for all vultures to feed upon.

I don’t want to feel any more;
no more to emotion a whore.

To sleep, to sleep but, death is the big sleep.
Is that true freedom? I know not…..

Insane am I? I know not myself.
To really feel alive inside again.
I wish I knew such wealth.

The mirror people I pass each day.
The norms of society I do not fit; for I was not made their way.

Nothing special am I, nothing valued to greatness.

With the shelter I built and the masks I wear within.
I can hide my true feelings behind my masks;
giving those around me what they want me to be.
To an art form I have made this; deceiving strangers, friends and kin.

The eyes tell the truth, but no one wants the truth.
They want me to be what they need me to be,
and no one has the time to really care.

This farce is my defense and my prison created by me.
Sometimes I wonder what will it take for me to ever truly be free.

Sunday, September 17, 2006


I stumbled onto a folder that has something I wrote in my very early twenties. I was going to post it here but now that I took the time to do it I can't seem to find it anywhere. It was called self-imprisonment. I couldn't believe that part of the way I feel now started that early in life. So, I guess it is time for me to try writing again and update it, so here goes nothing.

(Characterized by a marked lack of movement, activity, or expression)

Silence, silence, alone in the dark,
Pain, aggression, hopelessness have left quite a mark.
Self preservation, protection, impenetrable armor was the point of this quest I did embark.
No more, pleasure and smiles to others will my visible tears bring.
I'll stop them...Can't get me...I'll beat them...No torment to me will give them reason to sing.
Ashes, ashes...Walls of love and trust I will burn down.
No longer your puppet...Your toy...Your foolish little clown.
My brambles, they encircle me, they protect me.
I want no sights, no sounds...Don't want to get to know you...Don't want you to see me, just leave me be.
But, the memories, they still hurt...They haunt me..Can't stop them...Am I loosing my grip?
Repetition, I pause them...Rewind them...Replay them..It's a worn memory chip.
Wait, there's a sound now, I think it's a child crying.
I see her. Her hair; it's tangled, she’s dirty, she's bruised up, her clothes they are ripped up.
I try to touch her and hold her. So cold now..Getting limp now..I think she is dying.
A tear drop falls..She disappeared, where she go, I'm all alone now.
The brambles they encircle me...Their so high now...I hear something. Is that laughing? Through the gaps there's some light there.
Can't quite see through..I want to see them..What's that going on now?
I will climb up, want to see out.. But, the thorns how they cut me...Want to get out..But,how?

Friday, September 15, 2006


Ever wonder what it takes to make you change the way you live or think of yourself?

Sometimes, it seems like you have to have a near death experience to make a change.

You go to support groups and see other peeps making changes in their lives...They truly get it. You might of even "got it" for a brief time but, you lost it.
Where did it go and why...And you think to yourself "What I do Wrong". Then you discover it is your inability to forgive yourself that holds you back. If you can't forgive yourself then how in the world does God forgive you.

You know in your head what you need to do, but you do nothing which leaves me back to my original question what does it take.

Why would someone not want to give themselves a fighting chance?